Perks of being a rose;

Ive been meaning to write this for a long, long time.
But i feel like there is so much to write that it sounds tiring..
But here it goes..


The perks of being a rose;


When i first came into this country
it was amazing
I remember the first look out the plane
there was snow on the ground and the air looked dark and gloomy
Maybe thats why i like the cold so much
it excited me so much
it was new york ,and everything was dark, with alot of lights
The first place we stopped to eat was popayes
its funny how i remember small things like this.
By the time we got to cambridge, the place where my moms friend who wed be staying with
we stopped at some random street, to check out this house that we considered living in
It was very small, only one floor, infact , i think it was only one room
I was facisnated, it was like a cabin , ive never been in a house made of wood with carpet before
Ive been used to our cinder block 2.5 story house with porcelain floors and wood
Its funny but looking back, i would never in my life step foot in a place like that.
My mom and dad have always pried themselves on living on luxury
they liked having nice things and making sure people saw it

Fast forward to a later time
6th grade i knew couldnt have been more exciting to anyone but me
Before,ive been in a private catholic school, with nuns who were very sweet.
And one that would chase after you with a news paper
secret pass ways who everyone swore were haunted
but this was different
you didnt get to use a uniform
lunch was at a cafeteria with assigned tables
people looked different
They were pale, white skin , brown and blonde hair, green and blue eyes
something i was not used to
something i really admired
something i wanted

I knew no english at all
except for the words
"sorry i dont speak english"

I suddenley became very aware of me being different
I was alone
I watched people laugh and flirt and be happy
and even if i wanted, i couldnt join in

it was confusion all over

I couldnt tell you how i learned english
theres a very vivid image that comes to mind when i go back to my english as a second language teacher, and me telling her
"My mom is a liar"
i was very concious what the word liar ment, but i was sure that it was pronounced the same as lawyer.

Besides that
my english learning journey
I have no idea how it happened
i dont remember when people started making sense
when i was able to communicate back
when i knew what to say ,and how to say it
its all a blur to me.
its..weird.

But even with that out of the way
I hated the way i was
I hated the way i looked
i tried desperetly to fit in
i wanted the skateboarding shoes which we couldnt afford
i didnt care how i looked
because my skin was still brown ,my hair was still curly, and my eyes were still brown
i wouldnt have been pretty, if i wanted to.



I cant believe that
I want to go back in time and hug myself and tell me that im fine the way iam
i used to pray to god to change the way i looked
i used to pray, hard.
that i would wake up and be different.

It makes me sad that i could honestly think like that.

The whole point of this blog, even though its not as detailed as i want it to be
i dont wanna bore you.

I love myself

Guys never shut up with the compliments
and if they dont say it, i know their thinking it.
But their compliments dont mean anywhere near as much as if its coming from
say a girl, or an older person.
Its strange, but i have alot of older women come up to me and tell me i have beautiful hair, that im a gorgeous girl
and just last weekend
"i saw you walking by , you have the most gorgeous skin tone!"
things like that brigthen up my day more than any other compliment i can think of
at the school play
"We saw you walking by and you are such a pretty girl!"

I love that

I love my skin tone, i love i have something that so many girls pay hundreds of dollars to get

I love that i know 2 languages

Let me put it this way

i LOVE BEING SPANISH


I can be considered exotic , im different
i will never look average
i will alwyas be different.

I know 2 languages fluently..

How many people can say that?
and i cant even name how much that will help me through life

Ive hated myself to no end
and ive stuck infront of a mirror for hours , admiring myself
(i know , sick right?)


Im confident
But im also unsure

Im never afraid to put myself down to make someone else feel better

Yes ill be getting my lic at the age of 18
i havent ever been alowed to sleep away from home
i have extremly strict parents who barely let me go home

Ill have my license at the same time i can take care of myself
at the same time my parents dont have an actual right to tell me where i can or cant go

When i was a freshman in highschool
I agreed to doing things (that fell through , thankgod) that wouldve changed me forever
i cant believe how stupid i was.
But im glad my parents forced me home
even though i mightve bitched and wished them thw worst
im thanking them now.

I never attended any of my towns parties, i was never out and about with all of the girls
blah blah

Im me
I turned out an amazing person
So in my opinion
that was a small price to pay
everything i am right now is because of how my parents raised me
im my own person , i have never fit in with anyone
i have never been part of a group
But thats okay with me
because im me..

and thats a pretty good deal to me.