Please, please please please please

Dont stop making me smile like this
please please please please.

c:

and
:C



Love;
I like that we yell at each other on the phone whenever were arguing about dumb stuff
and even if its a little irritating i cant help but smile even when you wont let me finish a sentence
i love that your honest, and i secretly love how you call me "..conceited.." under your breath.
and how you make fun of everything i do and make me feel stupid and when i yell at you to stop you just keep going
but at the same time , it just makes me feel like i can be more of myself
like i dont have to hide anything , even if you laugh at me for it.
I love that you laugh at stupid stuff, and i mean really stupid stuff thats not even funny
but its cute that you do anyways.

and this probably really uncalled for ,and if you ever read this i would be really embarrassed which i know you probably wont cause your so clueless

but last night after that little stupid argument
when you kept saying "are you mad at me?"
"im not"
"yes you ARE why are you mad at me?"

everytime you said that, it honestly felt like a stab in the heart
i had no clue why it felt that way , and why everytime you asked i almost started crying

until i thought about it.

Im not used to that..
im not used to them wanting to know what they did wrong
im not used to them giving a shit
and the way you kept saying it, hurt?
the way you sounded like you honestly cared that i was upset just i dont even know why
the way you kept demanding i tell you why i was mad, the way you kept saying "you ARE upset why are you mad?"
completely broke my heart
i hate to admit it, but im NOT used to that at all

and honestly? i might just love you for that.
(but not seriously!)

the way i was with 'insert name here' and the highlight of my night was you txting me
i hate to admit it but

i dont want you to turn out like every other guy, please?





Life;

Life is good

this morning was BAD
but thankgod it solved itself out..i guess.
i am the luckiest bitch alive.
Some of my books got here. which is EH.
i got the music CD'S , but not the book.
I got the handbook for english which he admitted we probably will never use
and the WRONG reading book.
I still dont have sociology book which i desperately WANT
we havent really "needed" it for homework or anything but i love the things we go over in class and want to look over them.

which brings me to the next topic..


School;
Psychology is thought by the cutest teacher ever
she is SO adorable and shes so happy and outgoing and adorable its like you just want to hug her.
Maybe its cause we havent really gotten into it
i like what we went over today different types of psychology strategies but we'll go into dept for each one of them later on.
which im excited about , but for some reason im somewhat more interested in sociology now? idk

I love that though
who ever thought id ENJOY and look forward to my classes?

and note to self..
books i need:

Sociology(x2)
English "i say we say"
Music 101
Communications

and i also need a binder and more notebooks.. blehhhhh!!
2morrow i have communicationss! and we get to finish our little gay project were we draw and talk out a situation..
our dude has to lay off a couple of workers
and i came up with the fact he should have a "lay off party"
and we're working around that
i think i established myself as the blonde of the group.



and on a side note,

i had a dream about asshole ,which was really uncalled for
but in the dream ,he was hurt
his face was very scard , like he had been in an accident
i wonder if that could have anything to do with what happened today?
but also he had pictures laying next to him and when i picked them up
in every different picture i saw
he was different
he wore glasses, he dressed differently
he was just constanly changing
and that really bothered me


idk what that means
i dont care to find out, i do hope nothing bad like that happens to him though.
well im off to wash my hair with this purple shampoo.
i know what your thinking
"rose didnt you JUST decide and loved to have darker hair?"
yes, but i have honest problems
now i just want it to be lighter again though its getting lighter on its own.
and next week , i will be blogging about how i just bought dark hair dye.









dont judge me.



love,rose.

Love

I think im secretly afraid of it
Sometimes i feel that when i find someone
im so terrified i wont like them , that it becomes tense

that i have to put tests to see if i really like them or not
and if i feel like i like them , its always in the back of my mind
the question of "do i really?"
Its happened so many times, when do i even know whose right and whose wrong
its almost to the point where
everyone is wrong for me.

You really made me smile tonight, but how do i know it will last


Im so ,sick.
Of thinking yes this might work
till i find that one thing, that one thing that makes me run the other way

sometimes i feel like i do that to myself
like im just trying to find an excuse not to like someone
but at the same time
i feel like im doing the right choice
but how can it be that SO many guys are wrong for me?


I just want to be happy,

will you be the one?

AH!

Ive been desperately looking for a wrislet because i now hate my wallet its so big and annoying to carry around with me when i just want to head out really quick
and i saw this and of COURSE I DIED

Must must must have! i wantt



Its from the new coach poppy collection
AHHHHHHHHHH CUTE MUCH?
i want the real thing not a fakey like EVERYONE has so im ordering it off of coach.com


Im soooooo GETTING THIS.


ok.
now i have to clean my room for this lol.



Hope that there isint a blackhole in my closet or something, i wouldnt know.
If im not back in a couple of hours, call for help.



on a side note, i might go job hunting soon
yeah it sounds like a HUGE pain in the ass
but id like to have money to spend on things like this without asking my parents for it


buh anyways.
peace

wowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.

this is the most..awkward.. weird.. "wtf" thing ive ever seen
but its so fucking funny





enjoy,sorta

and

the last thing i will say about this..
i know how you dont have a life and you hate to see me doing good so you have to spend so much time trying to get me down..

But im just saying..
if a struck of bad luck were to happen to me for oh whatever reason
Something must be going bad in the air..
I guess.. So if everyone..
including your sister were to read up on a little story called "my life"
feauturing a little..couple of incidents involving well..the main character
and the mains character sister's well what? fiance? boyfriend? person shes been with for years..
were to leak out..
i would how that would play out
I LOVE writing stories!!
it would be quiet a project i might add ( :
maybe i could even submit it to my english class, what do you guys think?
But of course i wouldn't post it just here.. i mean , im not sure how many people read this
id make sure every person possible would get a hold of it.
Everyone should get the enjoyment out of it


So possibly look out for that ( :!
with other juicy secrets in it also , the main girl is such a character!
another crazyyy story right after the other
I can include all about her family..those that she has loved well..WAY more than others
is all i can say about that.

but i guess we'll see to if i take time out to write about it = )
and dont worry , everyone you know and even those you dont will!
you'll become a freaking star.



Mucho love, rose.

People that have no lifes

Make me sad.


It makes me really sad that i know your reading this.
And you probably check on my page.. on a daily basis.
I thought it was cute
but infact its kinda..creepy
please stop following me, please.. i mean..dont you have other things to do with your life???
maybe you should take up a hobby?? i dont know??
just please .. step away from this website..and stop stalking me.
its kind of scaring me..
yes i mean your lifes so shitty you want to drag me down too..
i UNDERSTAND that
and i mean i encourage you to do whatever it takes for you to be happy
but..
im sorry , im bound to do great things..
you need to accept that..take a deep breath..and move on..


Maybe you should go back to counseling
I dont mean to spill secrets , but maybe that disgusting thing that happened to you is getting to you more than it should..i dont see any other excuse why a person should be so...

yeah..





Please stop stalking me

love,rose.

((((((((((:

today my mom wanted me to show her the car i wanteddddddddddddddd1!!

flkhjasfdhfhasfhaslfkhsF.


OK.

im done.
i think were going to look at cars this weekenddd..
i wont be getting one than but the fact shes questioning about it

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


....
ok.
im done.


Just got done with my first college paper.

it was due sunday

bc i vow to never procrastinate with school work again.

how about that first weeek..

This is weird, and im really dumb founded.
I used to hate the thought about going to chesapeake,its where all the losers who are going to nowhere go.
But in reality , ive came to realize that the fact that you show up
that you attend
and that your taking the classes , how does that make someone an idiot?
an idiot, would be not going to school at all.
(sorry , i dont mean for this to offend anyone!)

i always pictured teachers
to be serious, smartass boring people.
that dont even stop and interact, they just go on and on with the lecture till someone asks a question.
I happen to love all of my teachers (minus one that i havent met yet)

My english teacher , he says "like does that make sense?" with this cute little hand sign
i assume his gay.

My sociology teacher is french , thats good enough of a fact for me
But his professional yet , connected with the class
he trows in a lot of interesting random facts which i love
i think ill really like that class.

My communications teacher..is a complete dork
and has an extremly goofy laugh ,but she actually makes people laugh
and well shes so far, making the class fun
im actually super excited for our first 2 presentations

my music 101 teacher , he has an adopted chinese kid?
that kinda just makes him cool on his own
out of all i would have to say his my least favorite
BUT , a favorite none the less.

and my one day freshman seminar
the teacher seems pretty laid back and cool
soo thats good.
nothing to complain about

I signed up for a psychology class which i dropped earlier because the schedule was shitty..
but this was a diff time and actually makes it so i dont have to go home and back for my other class.
yay much?
Im excitedddddd
i was going to wait till next semester..
but i like love sociology right now
so i know ill probably fall inlove with psychology.
i hope!

the advisor kept saying
"thats a work load.."

isnt he supposed to be encouraging me instead of making me scared!

that putttsss me at 16 credits..even more yayy?
im not sure if freshman seminar transfer but im pretty sure it will
but with or without..
ill only need to take 3 more classes next semester and ill be donzooo!

I really expected classes to be harder..
but i actually enjoy doing the work?
arent i supposed to be miserable with paperwork right about now?
i want to start working on my presentation for communications like nowww
but its not due till next next week i think


and thats my whole imput in school.


i hope everyone is working on reasons to smile

love,rose

Oh.



Im not going to lie, i really feel stupid.

ahhhh!!

You hating me is time consuming
cant we kiss and makeup..
please?




Yesterday i went for a little back to school final shopping books and stuff
and i KNEW we were hitting up macys
BUT
i stayed away from mac (wow!) and actually decided to buy clothes for once
because honestly , i got some amazingly cute stuff with the same amount of money i spend on 2 makeup items from mac :S thats bad isint it??


i got this AMAAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZINNNNNNNNGLLLLLLLLLLY
sexy ,hot, short , mini black dressss
omg
its SO hot
ok.
i gotta stop doing that.
Basically its amazing.
I love it its short ,bubbly , very light cloth , and its straplesss.
i gotta find me a mannnn
so i can pair this baby up with a pair of cute heels (which ive been collecting ( : )
and some cute earings and go to dinner or somethin something.


I got 4 shirts, and 2 scarves besides that.
oh and after that i got this cute cute cute pair of black knitted boots.
i want the fall to be hereee!!

my hair has alrdy lifted to a light brown..
grr!!
im considering using "BLACK" on my hair.
because every other color seems to lighten way too fast on me.



i got a orange mini stapler also, just thought id trow that out there.








ANYWAYSS.

class was.. ummmmmmmmmmmmmm
lets just say
im seeing way too many people FROM highschool, FROM my grade to be comfortable
its like highschool mixed in from a couple of older ladies
idk how i really feel about that.
My sociology class is through video
i gotta say the whole thing is cool/awkward
you never know at what class his looking at
and when he called on me to introduce myself
i had no idea where to look, even though i reallly wanted to look at myself in the screen ha
One thing i found hillarious ,yet a little sad.
its like honestly , almost ALL the girls inthere had babies
"hey im blahbla, this is my 4th semester at peake, and i have a 7 month old"
"hi, im blahal, first semester at peake, ihave a 2 year old"

there were atleast 10 girls with babies
one girl jokinly said
"we should have a playdate"
and it was funny because well..

i meant it when i said almost all the class had babies.

now i feel uncool
i never fit in!

We went right in with a topic of beauty and all media blahabala
which actually takes me to a deffensive set ,idk why
but in a video it mentioned how beautiful women will try to please men , they wont argue with them they'll become like a toy to them or something

OK? WTF
i feel that if a women knows shes beautiful
she wouldnt take any bs from any guy
but i just kept my mouth shut because well of course everybody went with the
"i totally agree blahbla"

i think im going to like this class either way.





English..
at a glance
when the teacher stepped in
i think he hasnt even mentioned sleep in the past week and looks rapist ish.
is that bad?
once he started talking i came out with 2 things

1)his gay.
2) his cool.


for being a college english teacher, he has alot of , teenage talk like
"do you like know what i mean??"

everybody laughed everytime he said something like that.
i think im going to like him.


I dropped physcology.. (which i am REALLY sad about because it is what i wanna major in)
but i COULDNT do it
i cant go at ten am, come back around 11, leave again at 2 something leave again at 3 , than go again at 5
my brain will NOT take that , and neither will my fucking gas
So im taking music 101
sounds EXTREMLY boring..specially at 8:30 am.
but atleast ill have that and communications back to back.
then that stupid freshman seminar at 5-6

bleeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.


has it been a semester yet?






back to school outfitt;
(yues im putting it on here because i havent worn nothing but oversized t's and gym shorts all summer..i was proud of myself!)



Brown shirt from macys
its v neck in front AND back : ) so cute!
belt from my sister? lol
white shorts, ring and earings from charlottes russe


(when i got in the car this morning.. like i said i havent worn anything but t's all summer.. so when i wore this v neck, i realized how grossly pale my chest is! it was disgusting! i was like wow wtf this picture doesnt do any justice but just look at my arm and then look at my fucking chesttt!! like everything but my chest is black :S this my friends.. is why i adored self tanners, but their too bothersome, so ill just wait till the rest of me ligthens up instead)




gladiators from marshalls ( :

to asshole;

click

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lrlIxdk9lIM

IF YOU; have oily skin

No matter how many products say "oil free"
it does NOT mean they wont make your skin not oily
or make you break out

I have always had an issue with moisturizers because ive thought
"i already have oily skin the last thing i need is moisturizer"
But i was wrong
Moisturizers give something ,almost like a barrier for your foundation to set in
SPECIALLY if you use powder
And i admit , i dont always use moisturizer, and if my skin feels dry after i wash my face
i just spray fix plus and im set

But ive been using Neutrogena Healthy Defense Daily Moisturizer SPF 45


and it works wonders on my skin specially when i just wanna dust some light powder for veryyy light coverage
i decided that i MUCH prefer tinted moisturizers rather than foundations
right now im in love with revlons skin match or whatever foundation
itts VERYY light but it gives SOME coverage
im deff going to have to look into tinted moisturizers
BUT ANYWAYS

If you have oily ,not just combination skin
i would VERY much reccomend these


This stuff REALLY works and ok..its kind of cool to use
people seem facisnated with the outcome of it
how the sheet becomes almost see through with oil , water or liquids wont do the same
thats how i know it works
i stopped using these because for me its not really a MUST have
but i might look into these again for when i want to make my face look fresh.
It'll turn your face from eek oily.
To matte like you just put on your makeup ( :

as for foundations.. i would DEFF reccomend a primer to go underneath your makeup
i would HONESTLY..if you had really oily skin
avoid powder because it will cake and turn into a nasty mess
i would go for a foundation thats for oily skin such as revlons color stay foundation
(FOR combination to oily skin)
im personally not a FAN of this foundation even though ive gone through 3 bottle of it
but ALOT of people seem to love it

dfsafshfas

UMMMMMMMMMM....
do i look better with lighter or darker hair?




Well either way , the darker (2nd) pic i took today
soo yup , no more light hair..
until it fades away anyways
I think the lighter hair makes me look more.. idk
Its cute but , it kind of looks damaged on me
and its way too hard to maintain
dark hair i think makes me look olderrr..

Ionnoooo

ANYWAYS, here it goes..

Aussie Hi Hold + Hi shine hairspray


I actually REALLY like this hairspray!
ive been using the new hairspray by garnier the bamboo one that claims to be "flexible"
its OKAY its really nothing special..

but this stuff really i felt like tamed my fly aways after i straighten my hair without making it hard or anything. which is goooddd!!




Aussie sun touched shine leave in conditoner.
This stuff i wouldnt even CALL a leave in conditioner
it doesnt even promise anything but shine
which i did notice my hair being shiny , but not soft or anything.
so its ok , i wont be getting it again.


and i got a heat tamer by tresseme which ive already pre owned, and its ok.. anywayss

heres what my packages were from couple days ago





My sigma ss187 brush

which i luvvvvvvvvvvvvvv
it gives a flawless face : ) im impressed.
nyx lipglosses in
natural , real nude and honey
the natural and real nude are almost exactly alike , but they have diff undertones

and nyx jumbo pencils in milk and french fries
milk ive wanted for.. like a year but i cant find nyx ANYWHERE.
(: so yay.
its SO opaque and like WHITE.
any color under will pop like crazy
and french fries is a pretty bronzy brown shade




and thats what my back to school folders look like...
can you tell im obssesdd? haha.

Quick update;

I got all my stuff in the mail yesterday (:

Its about to be 8am
i just woke up and i know i gotta run out there door now
since my moms home now she doesnt really support me driving on my own

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

what else..?
man i need fucking school to start haha.
Boys are stressful
specially ,him.

but its not him ,its me
its the fact that i cant be nice to him even though i want to be
im terrified to let my guard down
but i should
its been years, right?
I need to get it over with, his just a person
anamazinglyhotfunnyourgoingperson

but a person nonetheless.

boys are just boys!!

oh

and, FUCK YOU asshole.
im getting really tired of your stupid games.
(Games?)
Ok , so maybe ive just been ignoring the obvious facts
that your an asshole
but its becoming clear now
the more i think about it, the less i can pull out of my memories as to why you were so great
i think its time for me to stop being a little brat and just let it go

On a whole diff note
Ive been thinking about this alot but

i love getting hurt, in a way.
I love when people walk out of my life, or well, i trow them out when they ment something to me.
why?
Because i have this..sick need to become better
to become better than i was
than shove it in their faces
to say "look, i DONT need you , infact, im fucking fabulous right now"
Yet
it seems like..ALL of the people that i once was so close to
that are far away now
they just..
do the opposite
its almost like, i can see them becoming shit as the days go on
like their on a hill going down
while i just keep going up.

why?
i cant say that its my judgement
i have plenty of reasons to support my theory
or maybe im just being a bitch?


ok,im wasting enough time


maybe update later?

Girl talk;

When my first love broke my heart
Regardless me being depressed for half a year and being anti people for a long time

I came out of it eventually
and i came out of it with a set state of mind
Party , have fun, dont give a shit.
Hurt them before they can hurt you.
Which turned to me cheating on boyfriend numero 2 several times for really
NO reason at all.
I just did it to make a point.
That i didnt care.
He was just some guy.
i was in control
(didnt workout that great)

But the other , hopeful side of me
knew to look for a guy with a heart.
I would always ask guys
"Have you ever been in love before?"
Because if they had been hurt, i could be there to replace the hole in their heart
to make them feel better, for them to love me.

I wish i could go back and kick myself in the head.


If a guy has been in what THEY consider true love
if they have wanted a girl more than anything , and more over, if they have been HURT by the girl


that is the biggest

RED FLAG

for me.

STAY AWAY.
DO NOT APPROACH.
WARNING AHEAD.
signs


a broken heart, is a damaged one.
I know this is how it works for guys , but also for girls
but maybe , some girls. because it is how it is for me.


Once a guy is hurt by the girl they want
by the girl they adore and love
no matter who comes along as great as they can be
their not the girl who they wanted
and any girl that come after his love
are all whats considered
Rebound.
Their trying to heal their hearts and get over it
but in reality
that girl , again ,as great as she can be
she will never be better than the one he loves, what he truely wants
you're just something his settling with.

But ill speak for myself
this is how ive figured guys out, i dont obviously know first hand from a guys point.

But i do know mines

Im hurt, ive bitched enough about it.
I cant get over the fact that he doesnt want me
that makes me want him the more
makes me crave his attention more than anything


In a way
i have him up in a pedestal.
Because every other guy that comes along..
No matter how much better they might be, nicer, sweeter
i get annoyed and frustrated with them
because yeah his hot, and yeah his sweet
but their not him
their just some guys
i cant explain what it is
But i want what i WANT.
and every other guy , if i find the slightest flaw i turn the other way.
because in my mind
i know what i want..so if i have to settle for less
he has to be perfect

Which doesnt make any sense
his not perfect
infact;
his a complete piece of shit.
Doesnt deserve me.
Wont ever do better than me.
And i hope he gets hit by a bus.

I feel like.. once i have him where i want.
Ill get bored and walk away.
(another one of my..just wonderful characteristics.)

I kinda envy people that break up and just..move on.
just go and be happy with someone else
go through boyfriends like nothing else in a year.
I cant do that

I HAD to be different.
I am very picky
not in the way that iwant the most gorgeous guy with the most amazing humor and is the sweetest.
But i know what i want
even if its flaws
for example; I like a guy that gets jealous, and i can see it.
but they wont say it. But they wont act like they dont give a shit either

But if a guy gets too jealous and gets mad about it gives me attitude

thats the only thing i need to walk away.

If they do get jealous
and hide it.
And act like nothings wrong and just keep everything going

bye.


If they dont get jealous at all.

again, bye.



I could be smiling and giggling all happy
but if i find the slightist flaw
everything dissapears
and its gone, and i am too.

I dont like this
I wish , sometimes that i could be like those girls who always have boyfriends
who manage to be happy with what they have.
I cant help it , though.




The whole point of this blog is though.





Broken hearts, are damaged forever.


every guy who i see is an ass, who just wants to fuck, who doesnt care if your mad
if you threaten to leave.

well , they could just be an ass.
But most of the time, they know what something big is
and your not that.
and your just not worth the trouble.
When they know there is something better outthere.


Stay away from damaged hearts;



Love, Rose.

things to do;

-Lose the rest of this weight.
-Find a hot college boyfriend.
-Drive more places on my own.
-Get a black shiny car (more down there)
-Buy expensive shoes.
-Help parents find new house.
(more on this down thurr)
-Get a job.
-Get school supplies.
-Get a chi.




Ok.
So i asked my dad if for christmas hed get me a car.
He said yes, so of course id push it and ask if they could do it for my bday
and than he asked me when it was and then he said
"oh yeah, than you could drive yourself to school"
and with mommy dearest on my side i know im getting one!!
IM SO EXCITEDDDD!!
i showed my dad this



its SOO HOTT!! I LOVE IT!!
i want i want i want (:
hed say hed talk to my mom about it when she comes home.

I saved the page as "MY CAR!!"
in hopes that it will one day, become mines.
i want it.
My dad showed me this red eclipse but gr
i dont want a red car!
or green!
it has to be in btw black or white
and i MUCH prefer black!!

and my mom spoiling me like crazy lately..
when she comes home im deff showing her this!!
AHH!! ILL DIE!!
i want i want i want!!
i might even get it before my birthday
which might be sorta pointless since i dont get my lic till jan which is why i wanted the car for christmas..but COME ON! why wait!?
ill probably baby this car with my life.

and on the house situation
my parents are kinda sick of our front yard neighboor and the fact our house has this huge ol window infront of it so u can see everything that goes on inside.
And this house only has 4 rooms so me and my sister have to share which i HATE
i want my OWN room!
so when my mom comes back me and her will be looking at houses ( :
which is always tons of fun!
i feel like im so experienced in looking at houses
ive looked at so many nice ones i love it its always so much fun
i remember when we first got this house
it had a big ol lock onfront of it and it was after church and my parents like every other sunday were just stopping to "see it"
i remember getting mad at my mom because she was basically breaking in
but everyone went in , so i went too.
and then they told us the news
i was jumping all over the placee!
i love new houses.
i lovee moving!
its a fresh start.
and even though ive had sweet memories here.
im bored with it!
AND I WANT MY OWN ROOM!!

Perks of being a rose;

Ive been meaning to write this for a long, long time.
But i feel like there is so much to write that it sounds tiring..
But here it goes..


The perks of being a rose;


When i first came into this country
it was amazing
I remember the first look out the plane
there was snow on the ground and the air looked dark and gloomy
Maybe thats why i like the cold so much
it excited me so much
it was new york ,and everything was dark, with alot of lights
The first place we stopped to eat was popayes
its funny how i remember small things like this.
By the time we got to cambridge, the place where my moms friend who wed be staying with
we stopped at some random street, to check out this house that we considered living in
It was very small, only one floor, infact , i think it was only one room
I was facisnated, it was like a cabin , ive never been in a house made of wood with carpet before
Ive been used to our cinder block 2.5 story house with porcelain floors and wood
Its funny but looking back, i would never in my life step foot in a place like that.
My mom and dad have always pried themselves on living on luxury
they liked having nice things and making sure people saw it

Fast forward to a later time
6th grade i knew couldnt have been more exciting to anyone but me
Before,ive been in a private catholic school, with nuns who were very sweet.
And one that would chase after you with a news paper
secret pass ways who everyone swore were haunted
but this was different
you didnt get to use a uniform
lunch was at a cafeteria with assigned tables
people looked different
They were pale, white skin , brown and blonde hair, green and blue eyes
something i was not used to
something i really admired
something i wanted

I knew no english at all
except for the words
"sorry i dont speak english"

I suddenley became very aware of me being different
I was alone
I watched people laugh and flirt and be happy
and even if i wanted, i couldnt join in

it was confusion all over

I couldnt tell you how i learned english
theres a very vivid image that comes to mind when i go back to my english as a second language teacher, and me telling her
"My mom is a liar"
i was very concious what the word liar ment, but i was sure that it was pronounced the same as lawyer.

Besides that
my english learning journey
I have no idea how it happened
i dont remember when people started making sense
when i was able to communicate back
when i knew what to say ,and how to say it
its all a blur to me.
its..weird.

But even with that out of the way
I hated the way i was
I hated the way i looked
i tried desperetly to fit in
i wanted the skateboarding shoes which we couldnt afford
i didnt care how i looked
because my skin was still brown ,my hair was still curly, and my eyes were still brown
i wouldnt have been pretty, if i wanted to.



I cant believe that
I want to go back in time and hug myself and tell me that im fine the way iam
i used to pray to god to change the way i looked
i used to pray, hard.
that i would wake up and be different.

It makes me sad that i could honestly think like that.

The whole point of this blog, even though its not as detailed as i want it to be
i dont wanna bore you.

I love myself

Guys never shut up with the compliments
and if they dont say it, i know their thinking it.
But their compliments dont mean anywhere near as much as if its coming from
say a girl, or an older person.
Its strange, but i have alot of older women come up to me and tell me i have beautiful hair, that im a gorgeous girl
and just last weekend
"i saw you walking by , you have the most gorgeous skin tone!"
things like that brigthen up my day more than any other compliment i can think of
at the school play
"We saw you walking by and you are such a pretty girl!"

I love that

I love my skin tone, i love i have something that so many girls pay hundreds of dollars to get

I love that i know 2 languages

Let me put it this way

i LOVE BEING SPANISH


I can be considered exotic , im different
i will never look average
i will alwyas be different.

I know 2 languages fluently..

How many people can say that?
and i cant even name how much that will help me through life

Ive hated myself to no end
and ive stuck infront of a mirror for hours , admiring myself
(i know , sick right?)


Im confident
But im also unsure

Im never afraid to put myself down to make someone else feel better

Yes ill be getting my lic at the age of 18
i havent ever been alowed to sleep away from home
i have extremly strict parents who barely let me go home

Ill have my license at the same time i can take care of myself
at the same time my parents dont have an actual right to tell me where i can or cant go

When i was a freshman in highschool
I agreed to doing things (that fell through , thankgod) that wouldve changed me forever
i cant believe how stupid i was.
But im glad my parents forced me home
even though i mightve bitched and wished them thw worst
im thanking them now.

I never attended any of my towns parties, i was never out and about with all of the girls
blah blah

Im me
I turned out an amazing person
So in my opinion
that was a small price to pay
everything i am right now is because of how my parents raised me
im my own person , i have never fit in with anyone
i have never been part of a group
But thats okay with me
because im me..

and thats a pretty good deal to me.

I have

a bunch of makeup coming in the mail : ) )) im SO EXCITED!

what im not excited about ,is for whenver my mom see's the bill on her credit cards..
oh well , she wont mind.. i hope.


One thing im SOOOOOOOOOOO excitttttttttttttttedddddddddddd about!


is



I am so excitedd!!
Im prob going to like die when i get this!

its the sigma ss187, dupe for macs 187..
and better yet
it was only like 16$ plus shippin and handling!
AHHH
im SOO EXCITEDD!!
You have no ideaaa

and as to whyy..?
ive hearing alot of rave about this new foundation by maybelline


Its the Maybelle superstay makeup
ive heard so many amazing reviews about it at how it actually lasts ALL day.
i cant WAIT for it to be fall because i dont like wearing foundation during summer
and when i get my brush
i think these 2 will be my bff's (:


Also

I am in LOVE with these 2 products
so what if i got them purely because only my FAVORITE youtuber recomended them..so i HAD to get them
(allthatglitters21)






Maybellines Full n Soft waterproof in brownish black

Im pretty sure that this mascara has been out forawhile
the packaging is pretty blah
and to me, thats what really guides me to get an item.
But as elle reccomended it.. i kinda HAD to go get it..
and im SOO glad i did!

Macs plush lash and even my FAVORITE mascara ever maybelline volum express
i have never had a real problem eyelashes being straight.. i have an eyelash curler that i never really use since i find it pointless
but this mascara SERIOUSLY CURLS my eyelashes! its weird! i have never thought a mascara could ACTUALLY do that!
and it DOESNT clump! it looks natural and just amazing!
love it! i went in the shower with it on and it didnt budge! at all!
which can be both good and bad thing..



Cover girls shimmering sands..
even though im a fan of cover girl eyeshadows
ive seen this before and the colors looked well.. "eh" to me.
But since elle used it and looked gorgeous with it on
i had to go get it
even when i got it , the packaging is crappy and cheap
i trew that sponge applicator right away.
and the colors looked still.."eh'
But when i actually put it on
wow!
i think ill be using this as my everyday look for a longg longg timeee!!
ill post pictures of me wearing it (eventually)
since my sister has the camera.



umm what else.


this stuff has been a fav for me also
It smells good but not strong at all
its very very moisturizing
it gives a "glossy" look
check check check! : )
i think ill be reaching for this all winter long!

hahahha

things like this make my lifee...

I saw something extremly terrible yet funny..

Please go and and get that shit fixed by a proffesional..and if you did
PLEASE go to another one.

ANYWAYSSS

Im going to start posting tips in forms of "IF"

such as
"IF you have healthy hair, but damaged ends"
or
"IF you have dry , brittled hair from chemical treatments"
And it wont be limited to hair stuff.


hope you guys enjoy : )

I like writing in this blog

I dont want to sound too..self centered

But about the blog i wrote down there, yes the emo one.


I feel like alot of people got a sick enjoyment out of it.
People want to see me weak
people want to see me cry and be miserable
Certain people , just want to tell themselves "ha, i knew she would break"
"serves her right"
"she deserves it."
But sorry, i dont break

I stop working, i slow down
and i upgrade.
I dont break.
I fall
and i get back up, 10 times better.

Thats the beautiful thing about me

If i see a glitch , i upgrade
Yes im not perfect
but , you're not either.


But i strive for it.


"I reach for the stars, so if i fall ill land on a cloud"


Im the kind of person you want to have in your life
the kind of friend your lucky to have.
If your reading this blog, to laugh and make yourself feel better.


........

Well , i hope i hope i dont have to point out that sad that is.
and let me be the bigger person and say this from the heart..
I hope your as happy as you claim to be
I have my doubts , but those dont matter.
right?

xoxox;

i DONT feel like blogging at all but..

I have to.

Ive always pried myself on having the best salon brand hair products
and their expensive,they must be amazing.. right?

WRONG.
omg





(And YES that is a wide tooth comb! everyone needs to have this in their bathroom! I used to brush my hair and thats SOOO bad for it! it stretches and breaks it so easily! so do your hair a favor.. and get a wide tooth comb (: )

Ive had matrix, joico, biolage,nexxus, biosilk , chi
and MANY other high brand conditioners.
Thinking they were the best out there, because the price tags on them.

I have found, 2 AMAZING products
that kick all salon brands asses THAT easily!

First , my LOVEEE



Dove intense damage therapy conditioner


OMG , yesterday , i highlighted (bleached) , used an "ultra light" hair color, and put a brown hair dye over it. my hair felt like HELL, im surprised its still stuck my head.
But basically,my hair felt like rock , if i wouldve stuck a comb through my hair.. it wouldnt of been pretty. yes it was THAT bad.
I put this stuff in my hair
and LITERALLY in about 2 seconds i could EASILY run my fingers through my hair
OMG.
NONE of the conditioners could do that!
none!
they didnt make my hair ANYWHERE near as soft as this thing did
and it was like.. 4 bucks!
the most.
Holy #@%!!!

I am SOO inlove with this!
AHH!
if you want baby soft hair, GET THIS!!!
(smells good too (: )
i cant not rave enough about this! dove isint even like a hair line really, they make all sorts of things.. so people would expect this to just be another way the company is trying to make money.
Nope this stuff is AH-MAZINGGG.




Aussie Deeeep 3 minute miracle mask.

Omg
Ok , i put this stuff on my hair to leave it overnight because someone reccomended it
first thing ,it smells SOO good! it smells like a mix of cinnamon and coconuts..if that makes ANY sense.
it smells amazing!

my hair feels like heaven right now, its soo creamy!

Also it has aloe and jojoba oil! which are amazing for your hair ,skin , everything.
and it came out to i think like 3 bucks!

ill update in the morning to let you know how my hair feels : )

i is back

Ive been meaning to blog but too lazy to.

Right now i got money on my wallet
why do i find myself writing things down of what i want?
I did the same thing 2 days ago when i got money
its a sick thing
Why cant i just let it be?
its like i NEED to spend it
i dont NEED anything right now
i just want, want want want.

i need to stop , this is going to become a sick addiction.
i want to shop , i like to get new things
so what do i need?
I dont want clothes
i just bought a conditioner, hair dye, highlighting kit, face wash and...sticky notes?
yesterday
i am SICK! haha.
Like my mom says
it BOTHERS me to have money , i need to spend it.
to buy or not to buy?
ummmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
what do i wantt?


(yes this is a silent cry for help!)
i kinda want someone to help me control myself, and put my money away, save it for when i actually need something.

But the other side of me wants to spend it , get things now that iwill eventually use!


:(

This is your life

Is it everything you wished that it would be
when the world was younger, and you had everything to lose






I feel like ive been shopping to feel an empty void
does that sound gay? i know it does.
Ive been obsessively shopping, if anybody ever spent as much money as i have these past few days in the worthless shit that i could go without, i would be disgusted.
I wanna crawl under a rock and die

Yes its "that time" of the month.


sorry for the tmi.
I want my mom and sister to leave already , and i want to crawl on my bed and sleep way more than i should again
I miss that, i was perfectly happy

Im also sick, i think something is wrong with me
My acid reflux is back but way worse this time
and my mom wants me to go back to that stupid weird doctor and start drinking those huge pills.
I dont want to
i fucking hate food anyways
it just makes me feel like a cow and makes my stomach hurt
and when i dont eat i cant workout i cant manage to get out of bed
i just want to sleep, i hate working out its making me miserable
i hate being awake
i hate shopping im not even happy with the things i get
i just get them because i think they will come in use later on

i dont want to be so miserable anymore
i know im not ugly, i know i can look so amazing , like i do right now
when i pass mirrors im just like , wow i look so nice
but as soon as that passes, i keep looking and realize
my eyes are too small , my lips are too pink , my eyelashes are too short , my nose is too big my cheeks are too fat, i look like a cow , or a pig ,

i like pretending that im stuck up my ass
but if you really knew me, youd know my confidence is always on the ground and under
Im pretty
i know that, but at the same time i think im hideous
and its not fair
i just want to fix my stupid fat ugly face but i cant
I always try and i always make myself look better
but its never enough
I can look at pictures from last year, and last year i looked at pictures from the year before.
and i always think the same
"how did i think i was pretty then?"

But i dont think im ever going to be happy


"Nobody is perfect"

Everybody knows that right?
So why cant i just accept that
why is it never good enough?



Im probably going to laugh at myself in a couple of months
thats why im going to ignore the fact of how embarrasing and degrading this actually is.



but like i said before, im going to crawl under a rock now.

Bye blog

I officially love/hate mac.

Yesterday i went to return the coffee eyeliner because it smeared SOO badly
revlons color stay kicked its ass easily
and it wasnt 13$

But i ended up buying 2 more things :-(
and today ill be buying 2 more things but im DONE.


I got mineralized skinfinish natural-25$
and an eyeshadow in sombtous olive- GORGEOUSSS COLOR! -15$



Today i wanna go get "hug me" lipstick 14$
and cream base in pear- 17$

yay yayayayay.

im excited for the lipstick like im GETTING it.
but the cream base i might skip out on once im at macys for something else..
but idk


ANYWYAS.
the dare!
i nearly tackled the fedex guy when he brought the boxes.
this phones too cute, i put the little charm i bought for it yesterday on.

But im not inlove with it.
Why? because were going to part soon : ( since i got this from my moms plan
she wants to take it on her trip to the DR.
10 dayss... goodbyeee..

BUT.
it will be 10 days without my sister!
and without my mom!
and all my new shit.
So i will still have fun


and my sister will actually be gone for 2 weeks.
um umm!


i actually dont have anything else to blog about, plus i wanna keep using this phone ,cha chaa.

My parents

Finally decided to buy my sister a phone.
and she was getting a dare, which i wanted.
and i was pissed and i was ordering it , and the whole time i was giving my mom the "hand"
everytime she tried to talk to me.
So i got one too
I really am a brat arent i :/







but AHHH! new phone finally!! :))
(in the mail overnight shipping!)
i lovee my mommmm!!! <3



also i talked her into giving me this joico shampoo/conditioner <3333.
Im very materialistic, and this things make me happy.


One thing i love, these things are HUGGEEE.
33 oz !
and i had the mask thing but that was awhile ago and loved it!

so im excited to use this.
review on it later?

Shopping haul;

Cortex 1 1/2 straighting iron.


AHHHH. me and this thing are going to become best friendssssssssssssssss!!!

im so excited about it its so cute black and sleek!






I went into macys , and i was determined to stay away from mac, like seriously
i went through the purses and everything to avoid it
and not only did the people recognized me, but with their stupid friendly smiles and gorgeous makeup they waved at me!! I wanted to go over and talk to them but..

No.
i waved, and walked away.

I was going to be good.
I didnt need any more makeup
and if i did , drugstore is OK.
Seriously
ive been using it for so long and i was fine.




to make the story short, i had to go, 3 new collections had came out
and i HAD to just swatch them , that was it
i was just going to look and walkk away!

They greeted me , and i strictly told them "im just looking around today"


..


:(




i lied.
I need to stay away from that place.

anyways, i got an eyeliner in coffee and a blush ive honestly been wanting for so long!
i was so surprised they still sold it! it was sold out in the mac online store so i had given up hope.



Its a beauty powder in eversun from the style warrior
its SOOOO gorgeous! the packaging is SOOOO cute! the box was zebra striped.
Aghh.

the total came out to be 32$
i hate you mac, i really do.
i couldve bought like 5 OPI nail polishes with that money.
dskjaskjfsd

which reminds me
i went all over the fucking place in the mall for hair salons and places that sold OPI nail polishes
i really ,really , reallly want
"do you li lac it"


WILL SOMEBODY BUY THIS FORR MEEEE? PLEASEEE.
its only like 9 dollars.
k? thankyou.




Anyways, i got my first pair of heel's!
like on my own!
my mom hates them.
i LOVEEE them , their snake print and.
god idk how to describe them ,and i cant upload a pic right now itd be too bothersome.
But one later maybe

anyways, i want to start collecting heel's : ) so this is good.

anyways, i got some hair products, this cute glass jar to put my brushes in and some drugstore makeup but ill upload pics of that later.

i didnt get anything clothes wise
First because i already did my kinda "back to school" clothe shopping couple weeks ago
and
i honestly dont care for the way i dress lately
well i do, but i would much rather have a nice face
if my hair and face look good
i would live off of white tshirts and gym shorts
which is exactly what ive been doing
and oh , jewerly.
I got this stuff coming eventually i ordered online.
yay yay.

i like shopping at others expense.
Does that make me a bad person?
i really need a job.







Love,rose.

I want to learn how to laugh about it , too.

if you know me , you know that my mom is one of the most strict people ever.
And i dont mean "no you cant go to that party at 11pm , maybe on the weekend"
Its more like
"no you cant go out across town to get food."





She has problems letting go , clearly.
But i get her
Its weird, as i grow older
I kind of just noticed
but i stopped stumping my foot and i stopped yelling and fighting back
and just taken it

If someone asks me to do something
I know what she will say whether it be yes or not
and most the time ,its not really worth it to even ask.

But that is besides the point


I feel like ive gotten ,older
I like it
I understand her more, i can actually talk to her
even though we're at each others troath all the time
and whenever were together, people always say "its only because she loves you"
I guess i still got that spoiled teenager look on my face.

Out of all of my siblings, my mom considers me her golden child (ha! right?)
but no, im going to make a complete idiot out of myself here and tell a little story that will make me sound gay beyond reason.

It was last friday around 7 , and my mom had been gone all day shopping (big surprise)
My dad had just came from working.
I didnt want to ask my dad to take me to the gym cause as usual , he was busy fixing something up
My mom on the other hand, turned me down with "i just got home im really tired"
"from what!? from shopping?!"
"I said no. im not taking you."

So , i stormed into the bathroom (dont ask me why..)
collected my angry thoughts, let them go.
And got my workout clothes, my mp3 and headed downstairs to the garage
And since my room is all the way down the hall and to go downstairs i have to pass her room
she asked me where are you going?
i didnt say anything
"rosanna, where are you going?!"
and i just kept on walking
and i heard her talk under her breath
"she just doesnt understand that i JUST came and im tired"

and bam , it hit me

i was pissed
but not at her
i dont think
I was more pissed at myself
because i WAS being a brat
i knew she was tired so why did i have to go make her feel bad about it
so i got into the galrage , turn on the treadmill , and start bawling

yes, im a pussy.


Not only did i workout my anger off, which fet gooooddd.
But all night after it i sat there, feeling like shit
wanting to apologize, wanting to say "im not mad"
but thats so corny it mightve like , killed me

Im not good at showing feelings , in general
Like true feelings of sadness and regret and remorse
I would much rather show feelings of anger, and act like a snob.

Even when i want to say thankyou to her i leave it as a sticky note on her desk.


Im terrible.
I know.


Its funny that my name, rosanna
is off of my mothers, rosa.
and im like , her fav child.
because my other siblings well , idk whats with them.


I think ive got my parents genes very well.

My moms a lawyer
(which reminds me! shes doing another case this month and is leaving soon! yayy!)
:X

ANYWAYS.

i think i have
even if alot of people might disagree
her knowledge , like
Im smart about stuff, like my mom loves to say
"she knows alot about what she wants to know"
I know how to make someone shut up , i know how to back my facts off
ive been told i often believe im always right, but what if i am?
What if other people just are idiots?
but t hat doesnt sound that does it.



My daddy.

My dads the nice fun one.
even though he always lies to me to get me off his back like
"yes were getting you those 1000 000 000$ "

anyways.
His kind, in all ways.
I drove to his work the other day when his new iphone arrived to surprise him , and since i was driving , one of his work buddies wanted to see me
But long story short, when the guy left
he told my mom that the mentioned before that he wanted a blackberry (what my dad was currently using) and my dad said he was thinking of giving it to him.

That reminds me so much of myself its insane
If i ever see someone in need, i feel like trowing myself at them and giving them everything
even if its something i need, or could keep around
just because i cant help it, i dont like other people to be sad or in need

thats why ive always to be 2 things ,ever since i can remember

makeup artist , or a therapist.

I like to make people, no , i WANT
to make people feel good about themselfs
i dont think anyone , ANYONE should go in this world feeling bad
i hate to feel it , i dont want anybody else to feel bad

and i know this clashes with the way i act sometimes
i can judge someone quick and make a joke
but unlss they were nasty , i wouldnt want to tell to or for them to hear
if i knew that it would honestly hurt their feelings and like follow them around
i would never say anything hurtful


dammit.




i need to blog about yesterday to follow up on this nice people stuff , but ive done soo much
grrr.

Ill resume.

Me my mom and sister went shopping
we were hitting up marshalls for a last minute thing
when we come out , batterys fucking dead!
some dude jumps out car.
but it doesnt go far bc the fucking thing stops in a turn in the highway
which was insane
super stressful
so we were waiting for my dad to get here , it was salisbury and thats like half an hour away
so we just had to sit there and feel like hell
But this group of , may i say it.
CUTEEEE. guys offer my mom to push our car to walmart.
and they do , it was funny yet soso so cute.
they were all like dying.
And we waited at walmart for awhile and they even stopped to check on us!
aw!

people like that make me smile.
And people like that should get a huge gold medal for being amazing.

i secretly missed them all night.
Its cute because, none of the douchebags i know would do something like that.
theres hope, theres hope.



And i dont feel like bloggging about this anymoreee!
so ill do it fast.
But the battery was fucked up , well the charger of it was fucked.
So we had to stop a million times , (or like 4)
to recharge the car
it was scary , you never knew when the lights were going to go out and the car was going to stop.
But my parents , everytime we stopped
as frustrating and scary and dangerous as it was
they managed to joke about it.
and smile and be stupid.
it was cute
even though it was a ride from hell!

it makes me sad though.
Because even though it was my sisters car, i like riding it the most :(
its very steady, though i think green is a hideous color to put it in a car.
and the pretty one, the daewoo



Makes me feel like im going to wreck ,all the time.
Its too "smooth" , its too easy going
I liked the chevy because it was kinda , like hard to ride, like itwouldnt slide anywhere.
But even though my dad can fix it, im going to have to say bye to youu.
and get used to the daewoo.










I liked this.