Oh

I almost forgot.

Ive been thinking alot about IAN(a.k.a insert assholes name)
and our really messed up relationship
where we hate each other one day
and than were ok
and i was confused, way too confused
and had spent too much time frustrated over the whole thing..
its been clear to me for awhile that his a douchebag whose clearly not interested
but sometimes, just sometimes.
it looked otherwise
I have given up hope long ago, but secretly, not so much.
So i was thinking how..mentally exhausting it was to put up fronts for him and trying to act a certain way differently everyday seeing if i could get some sort of reaction from him
and i started thinking.
The last thing i havent done is..told him the truth.
maybe he knew what i felt, maybe he guessed
but what if i just..straight out told him? maybe that would change things
but i just couldnt find it in me to get humiliated like that.
i couldve wrote him a book, and i wouldve gotten back something like "k"

so, while i was wasted that night
laying in bed
i txted him , and i told dhim. i think
i got my point across , i dared not look at the mess i had wrote him
out of frustration , and like i figured, he didnt txt back.

i havent talked to him sense..
not because im scared to..
but because.. i think..this whole time
all this months, all the meetings and all the acts i put up for him
was me finding closure, me trying to see if it was really over.
and now that i had put my feelings on the table, and theyve been clearly rejected
and im ok with that, im not hurt. i havent even thought about talking to him
i think , i just really needed to get that out of my chest.
and i did.. and now its all over.
it took me too many months to figure out what i really needed to do
and i did it all while wasted.

isint that beutiful.
Im not sure why i felt the way i did when we met up those nights
im not sure why it felt like the whole mess never happened, and i dont know why i thought that it was all going to get better from then on.

and im not sure why it didnt..
all i know is that.

i can finally say.


Goodbye to you.
ill miss you.