While everybody

Is out having fun in senior week.
im going to spend it buried in my dark cold room.
because i am loser
and thats how i enjoy myself.


ive gotten too deep into some illusion
and now i want to snap back in reality
and i want to say bye to all the assholes in my life again
and start over.

i dont know what i want

im just pacing back and forth in this earth with no destination.

i guess people call this soul searching.



so. thats it.

Quotes;

I fantasize about rejecting the apologies
that I know will never come.





"What do you do when someone stops loving you?
Well, you cry a little and then you wait for the sun to come out. It always does."
-The Sound of Music



I'm so afraid because I am so profoundly happy.
Happiness like this is frightening. They only
let you be this happy preparing to
take something from you.
- The Kite Runner

But like all dreams, I'm afraid this can't last forever.
- Cinderella




Sometimes we need to stop analyzing the past, stop planning the future, stop figuring out precisely how we feel, stop deciding exactly what we want, and just see what happens.



The best way to succeed in life is to act on the advice we give to others.




Everything I've ever done was out of the fear of being mediocre.
- Chet Atkins



If ever there is tomorrow when we're not together.. there is something you must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart...I'll always be with you.
- Winnie the Pooh




If the person you are talking to doesn't appear to be listening, be patient. It may simply be that he has a small piece of fluff in his ear.
- Winnie the Pooh



Promise me you'll never forget me because if I thought you would I'd never leave.
- Winnie the Pooh


Nothing was perfect but everything was real.




In my memory, I wrote you down in ink. I never wanted to erase your story even with the tragedy it brings.














My lips, they tremble from this silence. But I'd rather chew on razor blades than speak the words I want to say.









The day you realize that all adults are imperfect, you become an adolescent. The day you forgive them, you become an adult. The day you forgive yourself, you become wise.
















The guilt in your voice leaves me no room for words.



The truth is, it doesn't really matter who I used to be,
it is what I have become.



I know I'm not easy to understand. I know I keep a lot inside and I know I'm not the easiest person to read, but that's okay. Cause even though there's a lot about me you'll never know, there's a hell a lot more of me you can learn to love.









I'd rather die tomorrow
than live a hundred years
without knowing you.
- Pocahontas

You change for two reasons:
Either you learn enough that you want to,
Or you've been hurt enough that you have too.







I’m so afraid because I am so profoundly happy. Happiness like this is frightening.
They only let you be this happy if they are preparing to take something from you.




I wonder what we are
when we're not pretending.

its funny how much you dont know.

Like as im txting you, im telling other guys to leave me alone.
like when im txting you, almost begging for your attention
im being a complete bitch to other guys
like when you answear me with one word, other guys in the same moment
are writing me paragraphs, and calling me and just trying to be on my good side.

and you could care less.
and that drives me insane.


i want to tell you that.

i want to tell you to stop and realize that im alot more than you deserve
that im greater than you think

but i cant, you have to realize that on your own
but quiet honestly, i dont think you ever will.


Love,Rose.

oh and blog..

Yup..its that infamous cap and gown..
but i graduated.
i refuse to talk about it or to really acknowledge im forever done with highschool
but as for now
im just glad im done with that hell hole..
that i will secretly miss

anyways, back to beauty stuff.

im going to hit up the corner because

1) my mother took my straighting iron to the DR

and 2) well, i want the chi.


i really should not be left with money in my power
because it'll be gone within that day no matter the amount
and now i wish i had saved because i want the stupid chi.


will somebody donate?
its for a very good cause.



i have a zit.
why?
why does god hate me.
and why does god put them in the most obvious places
and why are they so gross and huge?




On zits.

i think i mightve talked about them before.
but one thing i know is..
DONT EVER POP THEM! yes their fucking gross
and yes u will hate your life for those couple days you have it.
but if you pop it, you'll have that nasty little scar (that i have few) on your face forever..


http://www.makeupalley.com/product/showreview.asp/AgeRange=0/ItemId=14129/Aspirin_Mask/Unlisted_Brand/Masks


aspirin mask.
i wanna review this but , enough people have.


i cant get a hold of aspirin myself because of my parents
but aspirin can be found at what, dollar tree? so why not try it.



love,rose.

my fav song of the moment.

mammi dancin in the floor like she naked.

im

so frustrated..
i just want to note how i used to be excited back in middle school of the freedom of you picking your own classes.

and now its going to come down at what time i want my classes and what classes i REALLY want to take. not the ones i need to graduate.

on another note.
im suicidal.
if my mom does not stfu
idk what im going to do.

AHHHH

can i share a secret with you?


I think i might honestly be falling inlove.
its been 20 mins since we got off the phone.
my heart is still beating out of control.

oh my god.
oh
my god.




AHHHHHHHHHHHHH<3333

Dear you

Since this has been looking like more of a personal blog.
i want to do these
its a msg for all the guys in my life.

-I think i might be leading you on.
-I always want to look beautiful to you.
-I really only hungout with you at first cause your friends were hot.
-You have the most adorable laugh i have ever heard, why did you have to be such a jerk?
-It hurt me when you said you were with your gf, because even though i cant like you enough to date you, i like you enough to be jealous.
-Im sorry i lead you on, but god damn im glad i didnt settle.
-I want your friend, not you you pig.
-Your a fat loser, i have no clue why girls like you. i have no clue why you cant believe that i dont.
-I still remember when you said "youre always going to have a spot in my heart" , i didnt think much of it. i still wonder if you really do? because i know that i do.
-I called you my bestfriend, and i kissed you, and im sorry for hurting you.
-my other bestfriend... i called you my bestfriend because i knew how you felt about me. and i did not want that to change us because i didnt feel the same way..im sorry i have been such a bitch to you, im sorry. But i just cant accept the way you are anymore. I hope your happy.
-I also called you my bestfriend, but unlike my former bestfriends i only called you that because it gave me a way to be close to you without it freaking people out. I truely do love you. I hate that from tomorrow on it will never be the same. i love you baby.
-Your the coolest guy i know, you really are the only guy that i know that isnt a complete pig trying to get laid. Your SO cute it drives me nuts, i think how much passion you have is sexy , and im sorry you had to see me that night after the mess i had done trying to pull myself together. I can honestly say that the girl that finally steals your heart away is going to be a lucky bitch. and i know your going to be confused if you see this and wonder if its you, and yes it is. but please dont bring it up ,its kind of embarrasing.
-I secretly hope we'll meet up and fall in deep love. but its just one of my crazy fantasies.
-your such a druggie , i dont understand how your brain works. i really dont. i would feel bad for you , but you dont feel bad for yourself so i dont. your so cute. even when your burnt.
-I think your cute, and funny , but the fact that your my age and went to my school is a real turn off. sorry.
-I have no clue why i didnt kiss you when you were 2 inches away from my face.i really fucking wanted to. and i WILL! :x :)
-hey YOU, i love that thing you call me. and i wish we could work out somehow. but by now we both know its not going to happen. love youu though.

Dear boy,

im sitting here thinking getting frustrated and blushing about this.
so i have to get it out of my chest.

WHY DIDNT I KISS YOU!?!

why did you think i kept pushing ---- away and trying to hide us kissing
i didnt want to make you mad, not that you would care
i was hoping you would.
because i liked you ALOT more, i secretly keep hoping you'll get in contact with me
but i think the fact that we met through ---- is keeping you from it.
like ,im his piece of meat.
but im excited, the ONLY reason why i will hangout with ---- again is to see you!
if his not with you, ill "nvm" it.

but back to the kissing part
when --- was away from us for almost half an hour
i have no idea why i didnt kiss you.
i was actually praying --- wouldnt come back
i loved being so close to you and that you hugged me and how you had your arm around me and even though i was drunk you didnt take advantage of it like --- tried to.
even when you got infront of me and got all in my face.. and then claimed u wanted a hug.
WHY DIDNT I KISS YOUU! WHYYY.
i wanted to! so bad!!
im getting extremly excited, i think i might see you tonight, well i know im seeing ---
and i refuse to hangout with him unless your with him.
and kissing --- was ok, but i think i wouldve liked kissing you alot better.


shithsisishtist
im such a dumb sdgasddsff

but DLS can wait!

im alot more excited to see you!







i think this is why i havent had boyfriend in so long...
me keeping feelings for the same guy for over a short period of time is just impossible
oh well , i love it im not complaining.



Guys really are my favorite past time<3

&&

Me and DLS (dirty little secret) have been going through a rough road.
already.

His already got me playing mind games where he pushes me too far
than he wont let me go

he said that it was cute seeing me mad.

which makes me even more angry /slash its kinda hot.



I know i know..

idk DLS

im not ready to give you up just yet.
ive told you enough that boys are just toys.
but unlike every other guy which i can easily wave goodbye forever to.
im not ready to give you up yet.
even though i know i should.

grrrrr..

im seeing him tonightt
yesterday failed because of stupid arguing.
so..ill update latahh.

another thing
im not ready to give up my other boytoys just yet either.
i cant put all my money in one place, should i?


Love,Rose.

i keep having a flashback

Of how i sneaked out that night.
and i basically ran to where you were parked and you were out waiting for me
and i jumped on you and you held me up and we just kissed like crazy and it felt so good.
you were never romeo , but you will always be a part of my fairytale.


Love,Rose.

Oh

I almost forgot.

Ive been thinking alot about IAN(a.k.a insert assholes name)
and our really messed up relationship
where we hate each other one day
and than were ok
and i was confused, way too confused
and had spent too much time frustrated over the whole thing..
its been clear to me for awhile that his a douchebag whose clearly not interested
but sometimes, just sometimes.
it looked otherwise
I have given up hope long ago, but secretly, not so much.
So i was thinking how..mentally exhausting it was to put up fronts for him and trying to act a certain way differently everyday seeing if i could get some sort of reaction from him
and i started thinking.
The last thing i havent done is..told him the truth.
maybe he knew what i felt, maybe he guessed
but what if i just..straight out told him? maybe that would change things
but i just couldnt find it in me to get humiliated like that.
i couldve wrote him a book, and i wouldve gotten back something like "k"

so, while i was wasted that night
laying in bed
i txted him , and i told dhim. i think
i got my point across , i dared not look at the mess i had wrote him
out of frustration , and like i figured, he didnt txt back.

i havent talked to him sense..
not because im scared to..
but because.. i think..this whole time
all this months, all the meetings and all the acts i put up for him
was me finding closure, me trying to see if it was really over.
and now that i had put my feelings on the table, and theyve been clearly rejected
and im ok with that, im not hurt. i havent even thought about talking to him
i think , i just really needed to get that out of my chest.
and i did.. and now its all over.
it took me too many months to figure out what i really needed to do
and i did it all while wasted.

isint that beutiful.
Im not sure why i felt the way i did when we met up those nights
im not sure why it felt like the whole mess never happened, and i dont know why i thought that it was all going to get better from then on.

and im not sure why it didnt..
all i know is that.

i can finally say.


Goodbye to you.
ill miss you.

..

while talking to (my dirty little secret) , he told me how he likes boxing alot and that his pretty good, more talking about it.. i realized that we were at the same boxing match (insert assholes name) took me to.. isint that crazy! but we kept talking about the whole thing and
about how im going to beat his ass in boxing
(yeah right) , i was thinking about how much fun that could be
and then i realize , i KNOW how much that is.

i remember laughing and running away in (insert assholes name here)'s garage
and him letting me punch him in the face, than cooling off afterwards and kissing and ahhhh.

i miss that.



by the way blog,

i got a new bf, but his a secret.
so dont ask me about him.
i have too many reasons as to why to keep him a secret.
but im happy (:
plus..i just cant help but to love the thrill of him being my own little dirty secret.
his a bad boy, and i just love thatt haha.
But dont confuse me, id never date anyone who was a douchebag.
all i know is that.. i love talking on the phone with him
i went from txting 7 diff guys a day..to mostly just him
and im completly fine with that.
and i think this can only get better..or so i hope
and ok, just a secret.
i love how frustrated he gets with me sometimes
(sounds messed up right?) but to me that just shows me he cares
but the jealousy thing..its something that im beginning to understand that it comes
with every boy i think.

well, im seeing him tonightt..


i hope he doesnt find out about those 2 other guys im also meeting tonight.

i know im terrible
but shhhhhh

lets keep this all a secret ok?


"Im not being unfaithful , im just always looking for the best next thing"

<333

every now and then i fall apart.

i love this song

for some reason ,regardlesss us coming from a different language.
my familys always been big on oldies like this one.

Eclipse of the heart
(once upon a time i was falling inlove, now im only falling apart)

walk like an Egyptian

sara - jefferson starship
No time is a good time for goodbyes

I'll never find another girl like you, for happy endings it takes two

dont you want me
(You know i dont believe you when i hear that you wont see me)

eternal flame
(do you feel the same? am i only dreaming)

forever young
(looking for the best, but expectin the worst)

lady in red
(ive never seen so many people wanted to be there by your side. and when you looked at me and smiled. you took my breath away)

careless whispers , george michael was HOTT!!
(should've known better than to cheat a friend)

wake me up before
(you put the boom boom into my heart)

Hello
(and in my dreams ive kissed your lips a thousand times)

Hold me now
(But you know that theres no where that I'd rather be than with you here
today)

and moree.. im on a (i cant find the word)..basically im listening to them nonstop haha.

i shouldve been born in the 80's
romance seemed, real.




"im being such a nerd right now. dont ask"

"tell me"

"no you dont want to know"

"TELL ME!"


hehe. c:

he makes me smile.

The passions there so its got to be right..right?

No i dont believe you when you say dont come around here no more.
I wont remind you, you say we wouldnt be apart.
no i dont believe you when you say you dont need me anymore.
So dont pretend to , not love me at alll.

I dont mind it , still dont mind at all
its like, one of those bad dreams when you cant wake up
looks like you've given up , youve had enough


i just know you'll come around ,right?




This reminds me of that really old song , dont you want me?


yeah yeah.

Dontt, dont you want me?

You know i cant believe it when i hear that you wont see me.

Dont, dont you want me..

you know i cant believe it when you say that you dont need me.


"But even then i knew id find a much better place. either with , or without you."







im bored , obviously.

i want to read really badly but i dont have any good books and im done with school
this is kinda depressing.
more then that
i think its depressing, that its depressing to me that i cant read books. ughh

Day N' Night

Madness the magnet keeps attracting me, me.
I try to run, but see I’m not that fast.
I think I’m first but surely finish last, last.



yaH yah yahh,

i think i deserve whhat im getting
i need to change because im not perfect
does that mean im right by changing all the time

why should you "accept who you are?"
everybody knows your not perfect.




Just a piece of mind.

workin on..

cup of water numero dos.

also , to add to this. ill drink nothing but water.

ummmmmm.

water

Im going to start drinking a full cup of water every hour im awake.
and see if it makes a difference on um ,everything.
ill do it for a week.

this should be fun.



drinkin my first cup noww

i feeel like blogging lately

I hate shaving my legs.
its painful ,takes too long if you ask me, and has became an everyday ritual
i hate it.

that laser hair removal sounds amazing right now.
and more than that.
i wanna try waxing ,but im scared that sounds extremly painful, grrrrrrr.

Dear (Insert asshole's name)

I really wish i could say
"im so happy!"
and rub it in your face

but i cant.
i hate , hate hate hate it.
i also know you probably wont read this.


" will you just STOP "

Since i obviously have no friends, ill blog.

Ive had this stuck in my mind and i have noone i can honestly tell it to.
So ill blog it.







I think i forgot how to be myself.


Does that sound weird?
i used to be a gold star stuck in your fridge
but everytime i meet someone new now a days im struggling on how to act
how should i come off , how to act.
i dont like it , i dont like it at all.
im not sure how to fix it. so if anyone outthere knows.
be nice and drop me a letter.

i think its (insert asshole's name here) fault.
because i know i constantly struggle on how to act or talk around you.
its frustrating ,its like i have to put up a show everytime we talk
and its very tiring
yeah yeah "why dont you just stop talking to him?"
ionno.

i dont really want to.

maybe i just unconsciously like to be frustrated, who knows.



Love,Rose.

im sorry but, i had to blog this. hahaha.

Where's my happy ending?

No , i dont cry on the outside anymore.

i secretly..

Envy every college person who complains about exams, finals ,and papers due.
it almost feels like their playing being grown up
and got important papers to turn in or they'll get yelled at by their boss
like how it used to play out when i was 7.

Like "oh hey asshole? what no HOMEWORK? who has HOMEWORK. yeah. i got a 24 page paper due tomorrow, so suck it."




goodnight.

just a couple days left.

Its pretty sad
ive wanted this day to come for years
and i still hate half of my class
but for some reason ill miss it
ill miss going to school everyday , maybe its cause im so used to it.

I have changed so much the past couple of years even i cant even explain how
i cant explain if its in a good way , or in a bad way.

I went from not giving a shit about how i looked , not giving a shit about how people saw me
and today thats my life

I went from shy and self concious , to im too good to talk to you or i just really dont like you.
and im not going to laugh at your asshole jokes and join in , in order to be on your side.
ignorant comments made to me now come in through one ear and dont even stop in my brain to be proccesed.
You can call me ugly, weird and a bitch. i happen to think otherwise , i can name a couple of other people
who i mean, matter to me. who think the same.
So explain to me why id actually take into consideration something you, someone who prob is equal to a dog walking on the street, says?

I get nothing being on your side.
Sorry i dont laugh at your jokes , their not funny.
Sorry i dont respond to your ignorant comments , i just really dont care.
opening my mouth would almost be a waste of my time.

I see where youd think id be offended , but im sorry , im vain and cocky enough to only take in mind what i think of myself.


In reality , heres a little secret.

I like being a bitch

well scratch that
i love to make people think im a bitch

i enjoy it

i cant explain why or how
but i just do
and sometimes i do really fucked up things but noone is perfect
and if theres anything ive learned in these past couple of years

Being me , is good enough
i wont ever be perfect, but NONE of you are.
maybe ill never fit in
and trust me, i am extremly OK with that
no offense , but i just think our class is filled with a bunch of faggets and annoying girls who are all fake.

i dont wanna be measured the same as all of them.
im glad im not.

I might not fit the bill to be a friend of yours
somehow.. im alive regardless.

Overrall highschool i think is a journey to defining yourself
to figure out where your headed, and how you will lead the rest of your life.

Because you gotta start somewhere, right?

My parents are so strict
but honestly, looking back at it. Im glad they were.
when younger , i remember wanting to do stuff that i would HATE myself for right now
things that wouldve probably changed who i am right now
no , it WOULD'VE

they've done so much for me i cant even beging to put it in words
yes its real quick to call my mom a bitch because she doesnt let me go anywhere
but when i think of all that she's gone through , i can only bite my tongue.

I like who i am
I like where i am , i like the way i think
i like the way i pass judgment , i love that i dont give in
i love that im me, most of all.
Im SO glad im not like alot of people i know

im proud to be different.
Shit
im happy i am
Yes it can be a TERRIBLE thing
but i got a good head ontop of my shoulders
keeping in mind nobodys perfect because god knows im not.

im just a kid , im extremly immature , yet mature at the same time.
Does that make any sense?

Maybe not.
But im rambling, so ill go for now.

love,rose.

Just a picture of me playing with my hair last night.
im trying to pull off having my bang swept to the right instead of left.
it gives it a more full look but i havent exactly been able to manage to make it stay just yet.


anyways
ill call this my porn star hair
because thats what it reminds me of.



I want jessica albas hair.
like. i WANT it and now as usual
im gonna go on a rampage till i get it.
my poor hair..
i think im gonna go bald.



i love the honey highlights.
me wants.


anyways im done blogging.

Love,Rose.

Fix + Review.

Mac Fix + (US $17.00)


this is what the site reads.

An aqua-spritz of vitamin and minerals, infused with a calm-the-skin blend of green tea, chamomile, cucumber, topped off with the fresh, natural, energizing scent of Sugi. Adds radiance, finishes makeup. Spray it on. Skin drinks it up!




Im so sad to say it but.
Im disappointed in this product.

But not really.

Ill start with the Pros.

It smells amazing, it dries quick & i love the bottle
whenever i wash my face and it feels dry this is a very quick fix its very moisturizing for my skin
of course you can use this to set your powder foundation so you dont have that caked on dry look on your face and use it on pigments (loose eyeshadows) to make them on liquid form.


The Cons;

It makes my face oily.
plain and simply.
when i put this on before my foundation i felt my face feeling really disgusting and WAY to "dewy" , even when i apply it by itself as a moisturizer it makes my face feel oily.
so im not very happy about this.


overall , i think someone with more on the dry skin side would love this.
i might find a new use for it later on but for now its staying in the back of my makeup drewrs.

love,rose.

so im extremly guilty of this.

im extremly guilty of LOVING this stuff.

now before you even give me that "Wtf" look.
let me explain myself.

i love this to put it in my face.
still weirdin you out?


let me explain myself a little furthur.



do you recognize this?
its smashbox's photofinish primer.
runs from 34-49$

the two have similar ingredients that make the products function as a foundation primer
which is dimethicone

so okay still a little lost?



I use this stuff (monistat chaffin gel) on clean skin and let it set for a couple of minutes
while im working on something else, than my foundation basically glides on my face.

let me go a little furter
have you ever applied foundation and notice every single pore in your skin,like you have little crators in ur face? well the gel almost makes a mask so the look of pores is minimized.
and if thats not good enough..try having your foundation last FLAWLESSLY all day. For me it feels greasy when applying it but dries to a matte finish and wont ever make your face oily.

its an amazing product, i rate it a 9/10
and the point less is cause the packaging (ha!)
runs for about 7$ , every makeup lover should have this.

if you need any more proof.
heres a million other girls who love this stuff.

http://www.makeupalley.com/product/showreview.asp/page=1/pagesize=10/ItemID=98437/SortBy=/AgeRange=/SkinToneType=/ID=/